


Swan Dive

by Somnioctem



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Being all dark lordish, Dumbledore is wise but imperfect, F/M, Family Drama, Growing up within the Marauders, I'm kinda in love with James Potter in this, Marriage Contracts, People Being Assholes, Pureblood Culture (Harry Potter), Realistic relationship, Sometimes good people are assholes too, True Friendship, Voldemort is around, and yeah
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:00:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24354712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Somnioctem/pseuds/Somnioctem
Summary: Sometimes we are exactly who people believe we are. Sometimes we're not. And sometimes, in the most painful moments, we're not seen at all.“I mean,” And here she had turned to him and smiled. Though it was a bit broken and sardonic, James thought he had never seen a more real smile on a girl before, “can you really imagine going back with all that has happened and pretend to be the same as you were before it happened?”
Relationships: james Potter/ original female character
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	Swan Dive

Swan Dive

Somnioctem

Chapter 1: An Awkward Finger

_I, I Can’t Lie_

_I’m scared to open my eyes_

The sun seemed to drip like heated butter across her bared skin, the feel of it warm and sweet as she leaned against the willow watching the light seep between the late summer leaves. The tree’s trunk shook as she straddled one of the limbs, her hand coming out to automatically brace herself from falling. It was such a beautiful day; she couldn’t help but come out and enjoy it while it lasted. Who knew when the next truly summer day would come in the Scottish Highlands? A book lay across her lap, her fingers still pressed between the pages to hold her place as she basked in the moment.

One of the Willow’s branches, a gnarled twig twitching at the end like an awkward finger, reached out and pulled at her curls. It was a habit for them, something she didn’t quite appreciate as it would eventually result in her hair tangling, but as it wasn’t the worst thing that could happen with such a magical tree, she couldn’t find it in herself to complain.

It was mid-September; Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry had been in session for almost three weeks. Tomorrow would be another day of classes that were, perhaps, the hardest she’d had there if for no other reason then the teachers were preparing them for N.E.W.T.S. Even Professor Flitwick had been particularly strict with his Ravens, making sure they all understood the importance of the year.

Not like they didn’t know; they WERE Ravens after all.

Nevertheless, she could feel a sense of restlessness. Something was brewing in the air and her magic- that wonderfully cool pool of power inside her- swirled in slight agitation. A warning.

Maybe.

She sighed, watching as the sun shifted closer to the horizon. She should go back inside, it was getting late and she still needed to read something for her side project. Not to mention dinner was approaching and she hadn’t eaten since breakfast. 

Plus it was a full moon tonight and it would not do to get too comfortable out here.

It just felt…it felt as though if she moved even one part of her body she would shatter this moment where everything was calm and nothing moved, this moment where the only thing that mattered was the willow rocking beneath her and the dimming light of day.

She didn’t have much choice though, as the comfort of the moment was stolen from her.

The sharp crunch of stomping feet approached her hideaway, dead leaves breaking apart beneath them as they moved. Wild black hair that refused to be tamed but was some how cut in just the right way to look as though it was naturally “rolled out of bed sexy”. Slim body that was just slightly more bulky than waif. Though she couldn’t see from the angle, she knew round glasses hid hazel eyes. Observing, it was very clear who it was from the moment said person appeared above the hillock.

James Potter.

He was dressed casual, something common for the weekend, in a pair of dark blue muggle jeans and loafers, his shirt a loose black button up that were rolled up to the elbows. Though none of that was what made her instantly curious and a bit concerned.

His hands were clenched, the fists so tight she could see the whites of his knuckles from her perch. His head was bent, his expression unreadable but full of something obviously stomach churning if it put that expression on his face.

She pursed her lips and watched him come closer to the Whomping Willow, wondering the entire time if he was so out of it he hadn’t realized where he was. It’s not like the tree was the nicest thing. It was a coincidence she had figured out the one thing to get on its good side.

The tree twitched beneath her and unease tugged at her mind, a sense of urgency stirring within the pit of her stomach.

___S_O_M_N_I_O_C_T_E_M____

  
James didn’t consider himself the kind of guy who easily cried. And truly, he wasn’t. It took a lot. Matter of fact, he couldn’t remember the last time he shed tears: probably his parent’s funeral the previous year.

But this…

This was…

It was just too much.

He clenched his hands and walked away. Sirius and Peter, bless them, left him alone. He could feel their concerned stares as he moved; the weight of it was kind, but no less shackling. He sped up, feeling a small sense of relief as the stonewalls of Hogwarts grew between them.

He had loved Lily Evans since he first saw her in the great hall on the first day of school. Her hair had gleamed red in the candlelight and he had never seen such green eyes. She was beautiful. The more he got to know her, the stronger his feelings got. She was like fire, hot to touch. Always strong willed and so, so very smart.

But…she was also very blind.

_Sirius’ boisterous laugh echoed down the empty corridor._

_They had decided to head to the kitchens and get some early snacks, as tonight would be a full moon. Lucky it was a Sunday so they didn’t have to worry about appearing in the great hall for dinner. Better to eat early and then get a few hours of sleep in before they started their romp in the night. It would be easier on them in class tomorrow if they had a bit of a sleep in._

_The evening light was orange as it lit up the stones in the corridor when two voices were heard, the tone increasing louder and louder as they got closer. Concerned, they sped up._

_Rounding the corner, James immediately dumped his goods in Peter’s hands before jumping in._

_Lily was standing up against the wall, her hands pressed up against the chest of one Dirk Cresswell, her face so angry it was turning blotchy red and tears were pooling in her eyes._

_Cresswell had been a thorn in Sirius’ side, and his by extension, since fourth year. The sixth year hufflepuff had a habit of going after the girls that Sirius broke it off with, a bottom feeder of a guy with a reputation of sometimes doing things against someone’s will. It was a wonder Dumbledore hadn’t expelled him yet._

_Though, it wasn’t that much of a surprise. James had been a bit disillusioned about Dumbledore ever since fifth-year. Yeah, he was grateful, but…with what happened, he often asked himself if having grace on people was something the headmaster poured out in equal measure. He wasn’t entirely reassured of the answer._

_Nevertheless, Creswell had Lily hemmed against the wall with his arms bracketing her body, his face was turned away from James so he couldn’t see, but Lily’s was enough for him to jump to action. Running forward he fired off a light bombarda, watching as it hit the boy in the side and made him flip away and land back first on the floor. He lay there for a moment, the breath knocked out._

_He ran to Lily in concern, his hands reaching out._

_“Lily! Are you-“ His hand was knocked away before he could finish his question. It didn’t hurt, but there was something about the move that made James acutely aware of his arm as it was forced away. It hovered in the air for a moment, before falling to his side in confusion. They stood there for a second, watching each other._

_“Why are you here?” Her voice was soft, but clear. James wasn’t sure what was going on. Did he do something wrong? What was happening? And something was happening, he could feel it in the air, see it building behind Lily’s unwavering eyes._

_He swallowed, a bubble of something not quite dread, yet no less foreshadowing, sliding down his throat and hovering where his lungs met his stomach._

_“We were coming from the-.”_

_“Were you following me?” Lily cut him off again and he couldn’t help but look at her in concern, she hadn’t stopped crying. The pools had broken and tears were rolling down her cheeks. Still, she was looking at him as though it wasn’t happening._

_“No, Lily. Like I was saying, we were just coming from the kitchens. We heard a commotion and came to help, that’s all. Are you okay? I can walk you to the infirmary.” He made his voice soft, feeling as though he was talking to something not unlike a wild animal that was unsure whether or not he was a threat. Perhaps that’s what was happening. It was a comforting thought, in its own way, but for some reason he couldn’t quite put hope in it._

_She was quiet again. Her eyes staring him down, before she turned her head away, focusing instead on the wall beside her. He watched as her hands hung loosely at her sides._

_“Why can’t you leave me alone? You can never take a hint, can you? I’ve told you a thousand times before that I don’t need your rescuing. I don’t need you to do anything in regards to me. Not only that, I don’t WANT you to. I’ll never want someone like you. Don’t you get that? Haven’t you figured that out? Are you such a fool that you feel the need to chase a girl who will never want you? Cause truly, there’s nothing about you I find attractive. You’re a cruel bully, always have been, always will be.”_

_Lily’s voice was lilting, almost as though she was talking to the sky, telling her thoughts to a mirror, or even just speaking without having much thought. Everything she was saying, she believed._

_James just stood there, letting those words wash over him._

_What else was he supposed to do?_

_Every word falling from her lips was like listening to poison. He had never heard someone speak to another person like this before, let alone be on the receiving end of it. And he could hear how she believed everything she was saying. It wasn’t something you just say on a whim or something you say because you’re emotional, though that may have been a trigger. No. Everything she was saying was said with cold calm, the kind of things you think on over and over again but never say, until something breaks the gates holding them back and they just come spewing out._

_And James let her say whatever she wanted._

_On a subliminal level, perhaps he knew HE needed to hear it. He needed this for himself. Cause every word spewing was like a knife sawing at what ever tether he had to this girl. Every word was like a crack in the rose colored lenses he saw Lily through._

_James’ mind had emptied of all thoughts. He could only listen, everything moving too fast for him to comprehend. It almost felt as though he had slipped from his body. He was here, but not. He was hearing, but something was blocking him from feeling it._   
  


_Maybe he was numb. The feeling was not unlike what he felt when he first heard his parents had died. As though his mind had decided to separate him from the turmoil of his emotions in order to give him time to except and evaluate the situation. Perhaps it was just shock._

_It didn’t really matter._

_“I’ve sometimes wondered if you’re just a masochist. That you actually like being turned down. So for a minute I stopped saying anything to you. But then, that just seemed to encourage you. It just felt as though nothing I did or said could make you stop stalking me. So I’m telling you from the very depths of my being, James Potter, I do not like you. I do not want you. I would never want you. I could never want you. You’re no better than the-“_

_“EVANS.”_

_Her name being said in such a hate filled, hollow voice broke the girl from her rant, and James wished he could take credit for it. Sirius, that boy was his brother in every way, must have broken through his own shock and said something._

_He watched as Lily’s face contorted, a shadow of awareness creeping back into her eyes. James wondered, briefly, if she had been talking to work herself pass whatever emotional distress she had just experienced. He let the thought flitter by._

_It didn’t really matter, did it?_

_It didn’t change anything._

_Her eyes finally connected back with his and whatever she saw there made her practically vibrate with how hard she shuddered. Her tears started to fall harder, and she looked like she was on the brink of completely breaking down._

_James didn’t stay long enough to find out. He backed up when it seemed as though Lily was going to spring onto him, he knew he would have opened his arms for her and the bitterness he was beginning to feel would melt away. He would forgive her._

_He didn’t want to forgive her._

_So he backed up. The action surprising them both for a small moment, before he turned around. He flicked a silent petrificus totalus at Cresswell, who had finally managed to get to his hands and feet, his breath still labored from having the wind knocked out of him. He walked up to stand between Peter and Sirius, neither one speaking, but Sirius kept an eye on him as well as Lily._

_James wondered if Sirius saw her as the greatest threat at the moment. The scathing look he held her with said everything. Hell yes, he saw her as a threat. A threat and more._

_“Sirius. Peter.” His voice was dead even to his own ears, so he didn’t hold it against Peter when the mousy boy winced or when Sirius narrowed his eyes. He couldn’t find it in himself to fake emotion at the moment. “Take Evans to the infirmary. Tell Madam Pomphrey, and maybe Dumbledore, what happened.”_

_Sirius nodded and Peter gave a soft “okay”._

_He smiled at them, genuine if a little brittle. He had good friends._

_“Thanks.”_

_He walked away._

__S_O_M_N_I_O_C_T_E_M__

[In a different world, Lily would have apologized for everything she said, and though they would never be more than friends, they _would_ be friends. In another, different world, Lily would not have said anything at all. She would have jumped in James’s arms, cried, and this moment would have been the start of a beautifully short love story where she would have born him a son and died saving the child from a dark Lord.

This is not either of those worlds. ]

__S_O_M_N_I_O_C_T_E_M__

The sun was still warm in the sky as he meandered his way across the land around Hogwarts. It was surprising in a way. Everything that happened with…Evans…must have been less than ten minutes, and yet he felt so cold inside. It seemed only fitting that the world should reflect how he feels. It shouldn’t be the same day because he felt like his world had shifted drastically. The sun shouldn’t still be bright because the world felt duller than it was when he was leaving the kitchens.

He noted that there weren’t many students left out. The few stragglers were already headed back inside for dinner and he was thankful for that.

He was lucky, in a sense. He was familiar enough with his feelings to know what this was.

Grief. Sorrow. Like his heart knew he had lost something, or was letting it go, and knew it was never coming back. It wasn’t Lily herself that was making him hurt, but rather the understanding that every moment he invested in loving the girl was wasted. All the hopes and fantasies suddenly felt like they were an illusion, simply wishful thinking, or something painted on water rather than a canvas.

He sighed, and put his thumb and forefinger up against his eyes with the vain goal of pushing back the burning tears. They leaked out anyway, seeping between the cracks of his eyelids and sliding down his hand and cheek. He bit his lip, swallowing past that weird lump in his throat that seemed a part of crying.

He let his head fall back and folded his arms, just letting himself be for a moment. The tears continued and he let them, not like there was anyone out here to see. Part of him didn’t care if there were.

He took deep breaths, feeling the tears slide towards his ears, and tried to think through everything.

He could handle letting Lily go. It was a weird thought, but it was true nonetheless. He had been chasing her for his entire Hogwarts career, seeing something in her that he now couldn’t explain. He could let her go because, truth be told, Lily was just a girl. And one, he had to admit to himself, he obviously didn’t know that well.

And maybe that was what really got to him. It was that fact that at least some of what she said, no matter how hard it was to hear or how fragile it made him feel, was true.

His hands fell down by his sides where he gripped them into fist before walking again, his anger revealing itself in his movements though he honestly wasn’t paying attention.

“I’m such an idiot.” His voice was barely a whisper, but it was full of self-loathing.

He had chased her when she obviously didn’t want his attention, with the vain hope that one-day her feelings would change. He wanted to slap himself. Didn’t his mother use to say that a man should never chase after a woman who has been so cruel in her repudiation of his affections? She would always have a thin-mouthed expression when he told her about Lily, but never outright told him to stop. Perhaps she knew it wouldn’t have stopped him, as gryffindorish as he could be.

Above all, however, it was the rest of what she said and how she said it that really lanced. She believed he was everything she said he was: a stalker and a bully. A self-centered person with no thought on his actions towards others. And he could admit that when he was younger he could be like that. His parents had raised him almost spoiled, but having friends and maturing had shifted him out of that a long time ago.

He had grown up and Lily didn’t see that. She had no desire to see that.

He clenched his hands harder, feeling the shortened nails dig into the fleshy part of his palm.

The most ironic thing about this was perhaps that he had done Lily the same way. He still looked at her the same as he did back in first year. They had never had more than a passing conversation, her constant ‘LEAVE ME ALONE!’ not withstanding, and he was always too hype to really enjoy it or get to know her. He was mature enough to understand that he had gone about all of this the wrong way. At some point, Lily may have become this kind of girl or maybe she always was, but he had never been focused enough on her as a person to see that.

He had been selfish. He recognized that.

It still didn’t give her the right to say what she said in the way she said it, regardless of whatever she had just experienced.

He jerked, scrambling to keep his feet, when a heavy book hit him square in the head, literally knocking his thoughts out.

“Ow.” He growled, the sound resonating from his chest outward as he rubbed at the now sore spot. He swiveled around when he heard a sound slightly above and to the right of him. A darkened figure sat in a tree near him, their appearance hard to see through the foliage and the backlit of the sun.

“You have only yourself to blame.” The voice was distinctly feminine, spoken low as if she was trying to not break the mellow atmosphere.

“What?” Confusion overrode his previous thoughts, the randomness of the moment breaking through his melancholy. There was relief in feeling it.

He watched as the figure shifted, a barely heard sigh escaping, before maneuvering down the tree. She, and he hoped it was a she with a voice like that, disappeared completely for a moment behind the denser foliage at the bottom. The limbs parted on their own, allowing the girl to walk towards him.

He nearly choked in realization.

“Hmmm. Guess you finally realized you were walking stupidly close to the Whomping Willow. I did try calling out to you a couple of times, you know? It’s a bit dangerous to be out walking this close to the forbidden forest even with all of your focus, let alone with your mind a thousand kilometers away.” 

The girl was maybe two inches shorter than him with a mane of wild, much wilder than his own, chestnut, curly hair that seemed to shine gold in the dying light of evening. Her eyes were blue, he couldn’t describe the shade even to himself, though they were _deep_ regardless. Her skin was the color of aged honey and the tie around her neck said she was a Ravenclaw.

She was familiar, though he couldn’t place her in his mind. And that was surprising cause even he could see the girl was strikingly beautiful.

He shook his head and focused on the situation. He wasn’t exactly in the mood to be looking at girls anyway, leave that to Sirius.

“Dangerous? Really? And why are you out here…near the forbidden forest and sitting in the Whomping Willow, no less?” He ran his hand through his hair in agitation, looking up at the tree that was moving in its own agitated way, the limbs fluttering around and causing leaves to fall. “How the hell did you get up there anyway?”

Her eyebrow, which had been raised and arms crossed sardonically, melted into a sheepish expression, clearly accepting how hypocritical it was for her to mock him.

“Ah. Well, I was out here doing some reading. Enjoying the last real bit of summer we’ll have until next year. I was just getting ready to go inside when I saw you.” He watched as she shifted, her arms moving behind her before she turned from him to look up at the Willow, allowing him to note that her hair actually reached her mid back.

“As far as how I got up there, well, I asked him.”

“Asked? Him?” He was beginning to believe that there should be a line for how much someone could confuse him. On the brighter side, though, he was distracted from his previous thoughts rather sufficiently.

“Yup. The Willow is sentient in a sense. I came out here to test the theory and ended up making friends with it. As for him being male…well he just feels like a male to me.”

James looked at the back of her head and blinked. He could believe the tree was sentient, it had to be with how it was so touchy about things being near it, but he had never had the thought to test the level of sentience it had.

“I’m hoping to one day figure out where that sentience comes from. It would be interesting to know.” Ravenclaw to the core, this one.

“What about you James Potter?” He twitched at the use of his full name and frowned. The girl hadn’t turned around, rather moving her focus from the tree to the sunset that was happening just over the hills. He could see the tops of buildings in Hogsmeade from here; smoke billowing up into the twilight sky.

He moved to stand beside her, a bit thrown with the peace of the moment. It was jarring to realize that he hadn’t really cared too much about girls aside from Lily, but this was the first time he had ever had a real conversation with one outside of the girls on his quidditch team and the ones that Sirius dated for a month or so.

It was natural. Fascinatingly so and he wondered if all girls were this easy to be around or if it was just this strange one he stumbled upon.

“What about me?”

She huffed, glancing at him from the corner of her eye before staring back at the dipping sun. The sky was more dusk now, only a sliver of the sun still hanging above the horizon, turning the cumulus clouds a blended shade of purple, orange, and pink.

“I mean…what has you stomping around like you can’t decide whether to run from the world or take it on fist first? You’re out here walking with no sense for anything except for what’s on your mind for a reason, right?” He knew his expression was a bit disenchanted as he stared out across the expanse, but he couldn’t help it. The question had brought back the thoughts he had been unfolding before he was nearly pummeled by a tree.

Though, for the moment at least, his tumultuous thoughts weren’t as sharp as they were before.

He sighs, knowing she can tell he’s been crying and appreciating her nonchalance of it. He rubs a hand across his face, his glasses dangling awkwardly for a moment and the tracks of old tears smearing, before he fixes them and glances forward again, all the while wondering what to say.

“Have you ever…cared…about someone, only to realize they’re not who you thought they were, and because of it you realize you’re not who you thought you were?” It was not what he wanted to say or how he wanted to say it. He wondered if he even made sense. He was feeling too many things to explain it simply, nor did he know this girl enough to tell her all.

Nevertheless he was curious about what she would say.

She turned to him and he held her gaze for lingering moment, watching her expression change from surprise to intense contemplation. Both their gazes shifted forward at the same time.

“Yes.” He noted an ironic sort of quirked smile hovered across her lips from the corner of his eye. “I have. It’s…an unpleasant experience. But, I believe it’s necessary.”

“What do you mean?”

“Hmmm. I guess, the best way to look at it, is to ask yourself what do you think would’ve happened if you had continued to…self-delude. What would’ve happened if you never realized the truth?”

James paused and considered the girls words. That is what he was doing right? Self-deluding. Not excepting an obvious truth that had been slapping in the face, or rather he guessed he believed he could change Lily’s mind, and wasn’t that idiotic. Him-wanting to change someone to be with him. Lily didn’t even do that, she at least accepted he was who she believed and wasn’t trying to change him, rather she wanted to stay away from him period.

Had he continued to self-delude?

He could imagine one of two things could have happened: He would have eventually, in some miraculous way, convinced Lily to give him a chance, maybe even married her, but it wouldn’t have changed anything at it’s core and would have backfired on him years later in what would have probably been a toxic relationship. He would have spent years changing who he was to fit what she wanted cause, despite how he went about it the wrong way, he could accept that he did love that girl.

The thought was like he swallowed a bezoar, the thick lump sliding roughly down his throat and landing at the pit of his stomach. He forced himself to breathe through it, else he’d cry and he believed he’d cried too much already.

The other the possibility was quite simply the same thing he was experiencing now, except it would have been worse. The longer he would have had time to invest in his feelings, the greater his heartbreak would have been.

He guessed it was better to deal with this pain, then to have to overcome what could have been. In a way, it was it’s own blessing. It didn’t feel like it right now, but it was.

“It’s also okay to change because of it. Sometimes, when we’ve hurt because of people or circumstances, it’s hard to pretend to go back to who you were before. You’ve changed.” James had turned to watch her face as she spoke, a bit entranced if he was honest with himself, at how she seemed lost in memories. She was obviously talking from experience, the darkness glossing over her eyes was proof. He was a bit jealous at how easily she spoke, how fearless she was of being even a bit vulnerable in front of him, someone who was a stranger.

She bit her lip and swallowed. Her body seemed to shudder just a bit as she took in a deep breath and crossed her arms. Her eyes clearing as the sun finally disappeared.

Okay. Maybe it wasn’t as easy as he thought.

Still brave in it’s own way though.

“I mean,” And here she had turned to him and smiled, though it was a bit broken and sardonic, and James thought he had never seen a more real smile on a girl before, “can you really imagine going back with all that has happened and pretend to be the same as you were before it happened?”

It hadn’t crossed his mind with how he would act tomorrow, though he knew he would have eventually. He guessed it was not unlike after his parents died. He couldn’t pretend to be the same person before they passed. He had way too many responsibilities now. At the end of this year he’d be taking up the Lordship of his house, and even now as the sole Potter, he had preparations to make in order to keep his house in order.

Not only that, but something innocence had been taken when his parents had passed. He couldn’t pretend it didn’t. Didn’t want to. He guessed this was not that different.

Lily had rejected him for the last time and it was the last time because he had finally accepted her rejection. He couldn’t even imagine calling her name again. He was so hurt, so angry, her name had become like a curse word in his own mind.

It was okay though, cause this girl was right. He didn’t have to pretend tomorrow. Before he knew it, weightlessness had washed through him at the thought. It still hurt, but he felt lighter.

He’d be okay.

“Hey.” Her eyes focused on him in the dark and he smiled at her. “Thanks.” Her shoulder bumped his in a way that made him feel like he had always been friends with her.

“No problem.” They stood there for another minute or so before the girl bent down to grab her book.

“It’s late. I’m headed in. You?” James hoped he didn’t show the shock on his face as he had completely forgotten about the guys and the plans for the night. She needed to head back as soon as possible. He didn’t know what time it was but it was clear that he had been out here a lot longer than had planned to.

“No, I’ll stay out here a little longer.” She simply nodded before wandering back towards the school. He watched her for a moment.

“Hey…what’s your name?” It was kind of embarrassing to not know the name of someone he’d obviously been to school with for years and who also knew him. He wondered how much he had lived in a bubble throughout his school years?

He couldn’t see her face clearly in the dark, but he could see the slight shake of her head.

“Reynona.” She continued walking, calling over shoulder. “See you around, James Potter.”

Yeah. He’d definitely see her around.


End file.
